What can I say - it's been a great 8 years with my wife. 6 married and 2 living together. We met at through mutual friends - my buddy and us were invited by my wife's friend to a party at my wife's parents home.

She was living in another town going to college. That night, we connected and stuck together pretty closely. From that point until a few years later, we kinda did our own thing. The only issue we had was spending - she was spend thrifty and I a penny pincher.

A few weeks ago, she filed for divorce. I won't sign the paper. I just cannot do it - I think there is hope. After all, we have only been seperated for about 6 weeks.

Here is how our divorce or seperation got started - well, at least the last portion. The part of how we came to the end of our rope.

To make a LONG story short - I'll cover some small stuff for your understanding of how we came to the point of divorce. We had a rough time of it after my wife had twin boys.

Lately, things started coming together for us financially and with our jobs. I was laid off in May - the company outsourced marketing and had to downsize a bit. It hit me very hard - hurt bad and put me in a dark place that I have not been in about 10 years. I was at that job for 6 years - what a comfort zone. Soon, I found a really great job with a huge company. Shortly thereafter, she went house hunting for something closer to where we worked. We had put our house up for sale in March of this year. She did find a home but it was expensive and we would have to use the money from the sale of our home to help pay each month. I don't know how she got financing but this plays a huge part in our divorce.

We moved into the new house. We were leasing until our other home sold. I did not trust my wife with money - especially if we had to use our escrow to pay on a house for the next few years - until the kids got out of daycare.

I was still in my dark place - even though it had been several months and even though I got this job only a week after being layed off, there was something inside me hurting. I thought it quite possibly was depression or anxiety or that my job was high pressure.

My wife had been talking divorce since about the time the kids were born. They were born premature and were in the hospital for several months. She ended up quitting a great job to work part time in retail and watch the boys during the day. She worked a lot. Our finances suffered.

Eventually, she got a great job and the kids went to school/daycare. However, I heard about divorce constantly. It was as if we were living a fairy tail for the boys - Stay together for the kids - a financial arrangement. Divorce - whatever. That's what I always thought.

Anyway, I was working at my new job - not feeling right in my soul. We were living in a new house and my wife thought that by having a "new start" that things would change. Which they did, the relationship with our children changed for the better but our arguing and hatred and blaming started to come out.

Not much had changed. I was spiraling deeper into my black hole - my wife and I were still waiting on the house we were selling to close - we were paying on 2 places, we had no money - I wanted to seek professional help but she denied it - HOW COULD SHE DO THAT?

I didn't know what was wrong with me - couldn't explain it to her - all she spoke of was divorce. She didn't support me. A few weeks earlier, she mentioned that she did not love me and that we were together only for the children - a business arrangement. I had to seek approval for counselling because our money was tight.

She kicked me out one Friday because she just couldn't understand why I could not just pull myself up by the boot straps and become a positive person - stop being so upset about my job - stop being negative about everything.

I came back the next day - went to a function at work - kind of avoided her. Divorce was immenent. I was sure - she got her house - we were going to sign on the following Monday. Well, sure enough the next day, Sunday, she booted me out again because I mentioned that I was going to get professional help.

She was screaming divorce and throwing herself on the floor and carrying on. We cam to an agreement about a seperation. I went to my parents house that day and talked to them about a lot of recent events and those negative things that stood out in the relationship with my wife and her wanting a divorce. Before going to my parents, we agreed on a seperation.

However, everyone was saying not to sign on the new house tomorrow - a seperation may become divorce and we would have to deal with the home. I talked to my wife and she said that if we divorced, she would take the house and her dad would help. WHATEVER!

So, I didn't sign the papers. She wanted another business arrangement - where I lived on one side of the house and she on the other. We spoke of other options but I decided to call it quits - take charge and leave. I packed my stuff up and then went back to work - I worked for about 45 minutes and then left. Left for my parents in the next state - to live with them and to support my wife and kids financially. I figured that quite possibly, she would find out what she was missing and may not consider divorce anymore.

I was sick of living her life - my job represented a lot of things like that darn house that we wouldn't have been able to get before - it represented a job that she always wanted me to get because she is wrappe dup in becoming corporate america soccer mom - wanting money and worldy things. I think she spoke of divorce many times because she was tired of not having money - money makes her happy - and I can get into that another time because it is ridiculous.

Divorce sucks - obviously - I feel that she rushed into it quickly - kept telling me she didn't want a divorce because she would get screwed financially - then she went out and filed.

Her family have all told her that they think she is moving too fast for divorce - she needs to give it time - let time heal things. But she harbors hatred - blames me for a lot - like not putting food on the table for a while (which is another long story).

I left the marriage and took control of my life because she was always kicking me out for stupid stuff - she likes to control everything. I didn't feel right in my soul because she has not treated me well over the past few years. HOWEVER, I do know that it takes 2 for a divorce like this and I am at fault too.

Well, I could write a book up to this point of our seperation or divorce or whatever you want to call it. But those things will have to wait for another time.

I look for support from friends and family.

I don't blame myself.

I don't hate myself.

I am sad and hurting.

I contemplate my love.

I gather strength from my children.

Divorce will not conquer me.